things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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