someone threw a dead crab at me
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
