Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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