Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
