she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
