Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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