There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
