smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
