he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize