Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
