I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
