whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
