I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
