another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
