I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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