Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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