She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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