he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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