Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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