giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
