I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
