Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
