i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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