Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
