my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
