I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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