swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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