I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i would one night stand the shit outta him
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
