Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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