take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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