8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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