I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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