A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
