Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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