we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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