We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
