we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
