I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
