this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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