You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just cropdusted the office
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
