another moral hangover. fuck.
I bet he comes in French.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
