I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
