Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
