My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
