I met the friendliest cop last night
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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