My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
we're so committed to being not committed
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
