spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
