maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
