If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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