I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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