i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
