I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
