Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
