When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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