We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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