Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
