and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
