I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
