You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
