the condom got lost in my hair
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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